May 30, 2013 Angel Birthday

We went bowling Monday 5/27 for Gracie's birthday.  We had the whole Jensen family there.  It was good to celebrate together but oh how I miss my little girl.  I printed out pictures from when we went for Izsak's birthday.  I put them on a poster the Primary made and hung it in the party room.  I thought it would make me feel better but it doesn't.  I cried a few times but held it together for the most part.  I love being around my family.  Although they grieve for Gracie they acknowledge my grief and don't' try to "one-up" me like others have. 

I am just so sad.  Yesterday was horrible.  It was the first day of summer.  I ALWAYS looked forward to summer and reconnecting with the kids.  But summer is here and my Gracie isn't.  I know I need to get up and get going for the other kids but I just can't.  I miss her so much.

On her actual birthday (5/28/2013) it rained.  It made me sad but then on my way to her grave (after Jeremy's family had all left from having cake) I saw a rainbow.  Then yesterday after such a hard day I saw another while I was standing right at her grave.  Little tender mercies.

This is my identity now and it bothers me.  I feel like a failure of a parent because I couldn't keep my child alive/safe.  Do others feel that way about me?  I'm glad I found the journal entry from before but sometimes I even doubt the significance of that.  The demons enter my mind and my thoughts become irrational.  I just can't believe Gracie is really gone and my life must continue without her.