Jan. 27, 2014 Journal Entry Green or Red?

I woke up this morning not sure how I would make it, angry I even had to attempt getting out of bed for meetings, teaching, training, soccer, life.  All I want is to pull the covers up and pretend this nightmare isn't my life.  I walked into school as the last tears fell a long with the last of any make-up.  I had a training at 12:00 and walked into a room full of people who all sent sympathy cards when Gracie passed away and would've gone out of their way to give me a hug even if the meeting had started (which it hadn't) had it been 7 months ago.  But they've all moved on.  The problem is, I needed a hug.  I needed them to behave the way they did 7 months ago because I feel the same as I did 7 months ago and possibly worse because the months are going by and I'm not wanting to be further from Gracie's memory, from her last birthday, Christmas, Easter, nothing.  I want it all close, fresh.  It's not close and fresh for them anymore and that panics me.  It's not their fault, today I needed a hug but maybe I won't tomorrow, who knows? The problem is, nobody knows...not even me.  Maybe I should wear a sign-Green means I'm good, go about your day, even take a vacation.  Yellow-Be aware and observant, don't do anything too normal or fun.  Red-pretend it's the day of the funeral.  Seems so ridiculous when I think rationally but I'm not rational.  I'm grieving.  Tender mercies, flowers at school for me, flowers at Gracie's grave left last night, text from Jody tonight asking how I am, phone call from mom and Tami, texts from Nathalie, dinner from Kassy.  Angels are still aware of me.  It seems like nothing for a week or two and all this just when I really needed it from the Jensen family and friends.