Jan. 11, 2014 Journal Entry: I knew my birthday was not something I wanted to celebrate this year and I couldn't pinpoint why. About 10 years ago I went to little Tammy's funeral and a comment was made, "A parent should not out-live their child." I thought the comment odd at the time and not at all helpful yet that's all I could think of last week. My birthday symbolized that and it made me feel angry, guilty, embarrassed. The evening of Jan. 7th i was reading a book about the spirit world and felt my heart soften. I was glad for that because I've missed that feeling in my heart I had after Gracie passed away. I want the love and peace I felt back. I had thoughts about her being a missionary in the spirit world and although I don't get letters or pictures, I know she is a chosen spirit. I am proud of my little missionary. I started thinking differently of my birthday and thought maybe Gracie would be more aware of me and I might feel her more closely on Jan. 10. I still did things to safeguard myself. I took it off facebook so I wouldn't get random comments and blocked posts to my site. There was a slight issue with Camille when I shared my birthday concern at a mutual event with other leaders but I'm working through that. Anyway, the day ended up being comforting...I was sad but had comfort. Mom, Dad, and Tami came up and met us for dinner at Olive Garden in Layton. Mom gave me a card and made my favorite cake. I didn't have them sing, "Happy Birthday." I took the cake mom made home. Today I read the card. Mom said she couldn't get the cake out of the pan. She thought she would just have to leave it and frost it in the pan. She heard a little voice say, "Heat up the pan. I want the cake to be perfect for my mom." She heated the pan and the cake came out. Never had she ever done this. This touched me to know Gracie was present. For some reason, cakes are a big deal to me and mom's chocolate cake with white mountain frosting is my favorite. I cried coming home from dinner because Gracie just isn't here regardless of how my heart might feel.
So the issue with Camille (the eye rolls) is not going to be an issue anymore. I've been working through it in therapy. Prior to Gracie's accident we had cut ties. She came to the hospital and was such a help the following weeks. I interpreted it as a renewal of friendship and have since been hurt or disappointed. I've realized, it wasn't a renewal, it was closure. I've been through the refiner's fire and I need to continue on the path to make me the person my spirit longed for me to be.
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