Today is mine and Jeremy's anniversary. It's been 16 years since we were married. I love him so much and just absolutely could not imagine being married to anyone else.
I started a blog and I've got April 4-9 Done. It was so hard to relive those emotions and experiences but I'm glad I'm changing the medium for my grief and sharing my grief. It's private for now but it's helped me reflect on my feelings and emotions. I can't believe what the natural reactions the human psyche goes through in a tragedy. I feared blame and ridicule to the point of being on my best behavior to avoid more criticism by others at the funeral. Of course they wouldn't be critical of us but I always figured it was a matter of time.
I has been helpful and gave me a little comfort to know I'm documenting this in a blog but it caused restless nights following. I'm not sure where it will go but for now I will continue. One thing I realized as I prepare to blog about the funeral is the reason behind our behavior. I think when I'm in an unfamiliar situation I try to make a connection to a similar event. In this case it would be my wedding. Dressed up and on our best behavior greeting and meeting people I didn't know, knew, didn't know well, hadn't seen in a long time. We had to be on our best behavior because I needed everyone else to feel this was all ok...otherwise they would blame us, be mad at us because we didn't do our jobs as parents. I told everyone Jeremy did Gracie's nails. I did the video, display tables all to prove to these critics that we were good parents. We look back now and for 6 days of preparing for this ridiculous performance I wish I had just been able to be in a private room with Gracie and Jeremy and hold her and cry. My last moments with Gracie were spent being more concerned about the damn doctor's schedules and the mental state of my suffering husband that I didn't take the time I needed. I spent the next days planning the funeral and caring for my family. I didn't get to truly mourn. Is it better the way I did it? I don't know if that would help my guilt now. A topic to discuss in therapy.
There are still days I'm so incredibly sad but I've learned that I can put my grief in a box and visit it when I need to. Before, I just didn't have that control at all but now I'm getting it. I think it's a good thing and maybe it's better I continue on with life (as hard as it was) after Gracie died because my kids have suffered enough. I can now think of Gracie at times without going to that place of total pain and anguish unless I allow myself to. Sometimes I am afraid to allow myself to visit there but I do because it's how I stay close to her, to those final memories of her and honestly, it's all I have left of her....I need to feel it.
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