During the day I was talking with the head secretary at school. A conversation came up about funerals and I made the comment, "at my daughter's funeral" and one of the V.P.s stopped and said, "wait, your daughter died?" I figured everyone knew. As hard as it was I gave a short explanation and moved on in an effort to not break down or cause him discomfort. I later felt guilty at not fully explaining the circumstances behind Gracie's accident or showing him a picture or even crying when I really wanted to convey how much I love and miss her...but I moved on.
That night I was hoping beyond anything I would have a dream or comfort or would at least visit with her...it was my birthday after all. The only dream I remember was being in a prison and not being allowed to get out to see Gracie because I was a lieutenant and kept standing up with they called for Officers so I had to stay for punishment and missed her. I woke up crying, I was sad all day. It didn't help that only 4 people texted me "Happy Birthday" which are the same friends who would have before FB so it doesn't matter I closed my account. I don't need 120 people on FB sending Happy Birthday when they don't genuinely give a shit about me. We weren't friends before and the sick bastards only friended me to hear the drama of my grieving heart with no skills or desire to ease my suffering. I went to bed Saturday to comfort me. I want to see my Gracie and feel of her love for me. My prayers went unanswered which indicated to me they are not heard for reasons I'm just assuming must be the case. I'm not faithful enough, worthy, Christlike, deserving, favored, or thought of...but worst of all.....missed.
I don't have close friends, I never have. I'm tired of these horrible, hurtful feelings of worthlessness. Day after day I get no feelings of comfort, love or peace from my Gracie or my Heavenly Father. If it's me being stubborn, too damn bad at this point. I don't know what more I can do to play this game of spiritual roulette. I fulfill my callings (all I've been given) to the fullest. I shouldn't feel like it's that I'm not good enough. It shouldn't matter. I'm alone and I can't continue to do this on my own.
Good point of the day: Jennifer Warren told me she saw Dr. Ann Miller Friday and she asked about me. I miss her and I want to talk with her and have her help me feel like less of a failure professionally.
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