1/19/2015 I Make Them Uncomfortable.

The past two weeks have been hard.  I'm just angry and possibly not allowing myself to feel comfort.  I've also considered that maybe this is comfort; I'm able to get out of bed, able to work, able to coach my daughter's soccer team, get the kids to their activities, cook, clean, etc., for almost 2 years now.  I'm either extremely stubborn or I'm feeling comfort...just not in the way I recognize or wish to have.  It boils down to nothing will be enough to ever comfort me.  It will never be enough to take the pain, void and hurt away and it's just getting used to the pain, void and hurt..."My New Normal." 

I still feel so alone but it's better because I know people can't help fill this void.  I'm sad I don't talk to Jeremy's family or rather they don't call or come over...like I've done something wrong.  I really need for them to keep trying which they simply won't do.  I didn't talk with them more than once a month before but now, it's complete isolation.  I'm sure I'm uncomfortable to be around. However, I no longer have the expectation they or anyone else will help bear this burden (honestly, what does that saying even mean?) so I'm not angry when they no longer (or never) try but it still makes me feel so completely alone. I'm finding the more I realize others lack of ability to comfort, the less I want to talk about my pain.  I feel people's discomfort and awkwardness and I still can't help them feel better about it so I just avoid social settings more and more.

I'm concerned Gracie no longer wants or needs me.  Her bond with those in Heaven is stronger for her than her bond with me.  She has possibly realized I'm not that great of a person or the wonderful person she thought I was when she saw me through her 3 year old eyes.  She never left my side and I'm being reminded of this more and more with Vi.  I don't pee alone, don't shower alone, and with Gracie I never slept on my side of the bed along.  I don't feel her with me now.  I feel she has left me alone.