Feb. 4, 2015 Failure

I started crying last night as the anxiety built, thinking of all the things I had to do this week.  Our calendar isn't any busier than any other week.  In fact, it's actually not as full but everything is overwhelming and causes anxiety.  I just want to sit home with my kids and watch T.V.  It's safe, it's comfortable and I don't have to talk with anyone.  I am so afraid I will just continue to fail.  I failed as a parent.  I can't give any parenting advice, discipline info, etc., because I failed as a parent...the one thing I thought I was good at...I failed!!  Fear of failure is so apparent in society and causes enough anxiety that people do anything to safeguard from it.  The best athlete will go so far as to fake an injury or illness at the start of a competition so if they fail there is an excuse.  They won't have to feel the failure because it was due to something not in their control.  Either that or they simply refuse to compete and avoid failure altogether.  I don't feel the anxiety and fear before a competition, I feel it when I wake up.  All day...every day....I AM A FAILURE.

I took the day off to take Liv and Vi for their well child visits and shots.  They are both happy and healthy.  As I sat in the waiting room I saw the safety poster hanging on the wall.  I started to feel panic.  I then thought of the SuperBowl commercial stating "The #1 cause of deaths in children are preventable accidents."  Here comes the blame and shame and it's not even 10:00 am.

Dr. Barhorst has always been so supportive and has never made me feel less than that but the visit just became increasingly more difficult.  Vi is 35" tall (5 inches shorter than Gracie) and she is 32lbs (8 lbs lighter than Gracie).  I was handed papers on "keeping your toddler safe."  I was handed these same papers when I took Gracie for her 2 year well child too.  I even allowed my eyes to glance the page enough to find, "Never leave your child unattended." It didn't prevent Gracie from dying...these papers of yours.  It's bad enough having a child gone but the blame on top of that is so painful.

My friend Aspen texted me about a job position in Ogden District as an Instructional Coach.  Three years ago I would've been perfect for the job but I feel no more qualified now than had I been "a stay at home mom" for the past 12 years.  FEAR OF FAILURE.... I won't even apply because fearing I won't get the job isn't as bad as the fear I won't do a good job.  I was once the best presenter, trainer, teacher and now I sit at my desk and wait for the time to pass.  I have no desire to do anything else.

I had horrible dreams throughout the night of people being disappointed with me, upset, accusatory; Jeremy's family especially.  In my dream they wouldn't let me see or talk with Jeremy because they thought I had been so horrible to them and him.  Gracie was in the dream too but it was too erratic for me to make any sense of it.  I woke and cried all morning.  I feel like the most useless, worthless person ever.  I don't want to sleep tonight for fear of waking with the same feeling tomorrow.  I just don't want to continue on like this. I can't.