Nov. 26, 2014 Silver Lining...My Ass.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I hate that because I no longer have Gracie it seems I'm not grateful for anything else. It's hard that nothing will ever be as good, as wonderful, as fun, as complete because she is not here.  I know what it's like to feel that "life is good" feeling and I will never have that again.

George and Mary flew to Tennessee to be with Jeremy’s sister for Thanksgiving.  It bothered me.  They can quench their longing for their daughter by hopping a plane while I'm left here to be tortured by longing for mine.  I need to not allow myself to feel this is any reflection on me but when someone leaves my misery to pursue their happiness and comfort, I'm angry, hurt...not really sure.  It's not like they are any source of comfort but I feel like telling George all the wonderful things he has said to us as well as others regarding our grief, "get over it, she's gone. You just need to move on. Get used to your new normal."  BIG difference, his daughter lives in another State, is a grown-ass adult, can Skype, write, call, etc.  He's such an insensitive prick.

I haven't had any communication with Tiffany in a year.  I don't know if it had to do with George and Mary being there or what but she sent the following quote to Jeremy and myself on Thanksgiving, "Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek."

 First of all, she hadn't spoken to me in a year.  Prior to that, made excuses that the reason she hadn't EVER called or tried to help (Remember...my daughter died, I had a 4 week old, and she lived closer than any other family member and didn't call or come over once) was because her back hurt.  SILVER LINING??? What the hell?  After trying to convince myself it was coming from a good place, I gave up and wanted to protect myself from receiving anything like this again from her so I responded, "I've been thinking about the quote you sent me.  Although I understand your intentions, there is no silver lining to a parent losing their child decades too soon.  Nothing good has or will come from Gracie's death.  Maybe the silver lining is that I will be able to be with Gracie again but so will every parent who is able (like you) to spend their lives on Earth with their children.  I do however appreciate knowing you think of us and hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving."

I wanted to say, "F-you" and probably just should have because my reply has made the Becker Family claim I was so easily offended that they just couldn't say anything without me getting upset so communication once a year went to never communicating again for the next 3 years. They will never understand that my hurt first started with their judgement and continued with their distance.  At that point, it didn't matter what they said.  I don't have the emotional energy to make it better for them because my life has fallen apart.  There is no way of making this better.  Acknowledge this sucks, we don't deserve this, we can be sad, angry, mad, frustrated, whatever we need for as long as we need to.  You won't judge, place bets or have conversations amongst yourselves on what effect you think this will have on our marriage.  You won't criticize and, Heaven forbid, you will still love us when we NEVER return to normal.