Jeremy went to his parents to visit his sister Tiffany who came into town. He told them I was "fine". First off, they didn't invite us over for their little birthday celebration last week. Second, I'm not FINE. I know there is nothing more anyone can do but acknowledge my life sucks because my daughter died...so F***ing acknowledge it and know that I'm not fine. I'm sad, I'm angry, but thanks for asking....I'M NOT FINE!!! It's not rocket science. Call or text like once a month or twice if you've got it in you. Show me you are aware my life is shit while yours isn't. That's all you can do for me...so DO IT!!
I'm angry when they (family members) don't give me an opportunity to talk about it but ask my kids or Jeremy instead...it's safer for them I guess. I think when I am feeling so sad it triggers anger when nobody calls because I want someone to help take this pain away or just distract me from it for a second . It's a no win situation because they can't take it away. However, I am less angry when they at least try. I'm most angry when people are in a position of support and don't offer it consistently or cause me to doubt their care or concern for me. I have expectations that my parents will call and when they don't, I'm hurt and hurt turns to anger. I don't expect more communication than before Gracie died. It's just hurtful that there's been so much less. Jeremy says I can't have expectations of people. I beg to differ. If I tell them I need them to call or visit more, they need to call and visit more. It sounds selfish and had my daughter not died I wouldn't feel this way but the worse thing that could happen to anyone has happened to us and if I need something to ease this burden for a second, then why can't they do it? Why can't I ask for that? Jeremy and I don't see eye to eye on this and that's so hard for me to not feel more supported by him.
I've had more suicide ideation lately and found a grief support group. I'm not sure I will go back. They were all car accidents and cancer...teens or older. They felt the same loss, hurt, lack of support but not the same multi-devastating issues. I didn't think I would go back but I'm looking forward to being able to talk and cry about Gracie without judgement.
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