As Sisters in Zion- Kari's Story

April 6 2013,
               I had been awake most of the night unsure of what to do.  I constantly checked my FB feed and phone in hopes of some type update on sweet Gracie’s condition.  I honestly thought that it would be okay, that the Lord could not let this happen, not to Rebecca, not to her family.  The past few days had been full of prayers so obviously he heard us. At around 6am I checked my FB feed again and gently started to sob waking my husband.  He asked what was wrong and I handed him my phone, I couldn’t speak, he read Rebecca’s post and he too started to cry.  We knew this was not going to turn out how we had hoped.  I asked Jason what we should do unsure of how to help ease such a strong burden.  He asked if I wanted go to the Hospital. I told him I didn’t know if Rebecca would want me there or if she had her family and all of the support she needed.  Jason simply asked “If the situation was reversed and it was you in the hospital with your child how would you feel if she walked in, would you want her there?”  I sent a text to Camille asking her to ask Rebecca if I should/could be there for her, Camille sent a text back saying I could so I quickly got dressed.  

            
               I had never been to Primary Children’s Hospital before, I knew it was downtown but I had no idea where I was headed.  As I drove my emotions were tense, not knowing what I was going to walk into.  I cried, feeling like what I had to offer might not be enough.  Camille called on my way telling me where to go and how to check in.  As I pulled in I quickly parked and noticed the Becker’s car parked close to mine and it all started to feel real…this was the right place, this is really happening, this is not going to change.  I walked in and checked in at the front desk and they told me how to get to the pediatric intensive care unit.  When I walked into the waiting room the first person I saw was Bishop Larsen, pacing.  He walked over and shook my hand and continued to pace. Kristin Larson was sitting listening to conference on her iPad, she looked up and smiled gently and said hello. Mykel Henrie was sitting alone in the corner looking on his phone. He looked up and nodded with a somber look on his face & I knew it had been a long night for many.  There were a number of closed doors on the right hand side of the room and I noticed that they were for family who couldn’t leave and needed a private place to rest or keep their belongings.  One opened and out came Camille holding Vi, she had been trying to keep her asleep and comfortable while her parents were at her sister’s side.
I went to see if I could help with the baby and as Camille and I talked Rebecca came through the doors leading from inside the PICU.  I wrapped my arms around her and started to cry as she said “it is so horrible, it is just so horrible”. I don’t know what I expected from Rebecca, if I thought she would be weak with grief or in a state of uncontrollable shock but that’s not what I saw.  Those emotions were present but what I saw was an incredibly strong and determined mother.  She was fiercely focused on her family and what they needed and would need in the near future.  She was so brave. 

Vi had been on a regimen of breast milk Rebecca had been able to pump and baby formula.  We went into the “Becker’s” assigned rest area because Rebecca needed to assess little Vi’s needs and find out from Camille how well she had eaten and if she had slept.  Rebecca’s milk production was not at its best because of the disruption in normal nursing so Vi had been taking more formula than normal….she was a little fussy.  Rebecca had come out to the waiting area with some milk she had just pumped  and wanted Vi to eat, she was worried that the formula was hard on her tummy so she wanted her to get as much breast milk as she could. I took Vi from Camille to give her  a little break while Rebecca prepped the bottle and Vi immediately turned her head and started searching for milk.  I was in the middle of trying to wean Eli so I was pretty full and Vi knew it. Vi started to get upset and fuss since she knew food was near but she wasn’t getting any.  Half jokingly I told Rebecca “ I have plenty of milk, if you need more take mine.”  Rebecca smiled and kind of chuckled and said “you know I never got how in the old days they had wet nurses and sisters would nurse each other’s babies….today I get it.” Rebecca was so exhausted both physically and emotionally that she was open to just about anything to gain a little relief.  While the comment was just light hearted what she didn’t know was I would have done just about anything to ease her burden even just a little, so my milk was really hers if she wanted it.

I handed the baby back to Rebecca to feed and we just sat in the small room and talked. Rebecca was worried about what was being said in the neighborhood.  Were there stories being told or people talking?  Face Book, both a blessing and a curse at a time like this, gave her a little insight but some comments that were made and links to news articles were troublesome for her.  I tried the best I could to reassure her that everyone was worried and praying for her little girl and that I had not heard anything negative from anyone.  Everyone was just in shock that this could happen and felt helpless. 

After Vi had finished and fell asleep Rebecca asked if Camille and I wanted to go back and see Gracie.   I was a bit apprehensive,  yes I wanted to be there for Rebecca however I could and to do that I had to try and understand what she was facing, but it was scary.  To see her little girl made it real, the thought made my heart ache and my eyes burn.  We walked though a hallway and halfway there she stopped and wanted to explain what happened during  the accident.  She wanted us to know the details away from everyone else in the waiting area so that if there were any questions we would know what happened.   She was so worried about Jeremy.  What was he thinking? How could she help him? What is he going through?  What had he eaten, he hadn’t eaten in days?  You could visually see the love she had for him written all over  her face.  She said they had both received blessings the night before and had struggled immensely throughout the night but today they were at peace and knew they had made the right decisions for their baby.  My heart broke a little more with every word she spoke as the realization of what she had truly faced these passes 40 odd hours hit me.

We walked into Gracie’s room.  She looked beautiful.  At first glance she seemed to be just quietly sleeping. Her hair was tied up in little red bows, I wondered if the nurses had done it or if Rebecca had. Her little fingernail polish was chipped just how a little girl who is busy running and playing should have been.  I looked over and saw Jeremy with his head bowed just so sad and worn out. Rebecca attended to h is needs for a minute while Camille and I sat with Gracie.  Rebecca returned to our side within minutes and explained what had been going on with Gracie over the last few days.  How at first Gracie’s eyes would flutter as if dreaming and that they had been hopeful as this was a sign of brain function but that had stopped during the night.  As we watched her it became obvious that the machines had taken over keeping her alive. Each breath was induced but the machine pumping oxygen through her, she was no longer doing it on her own.  There had been a time set to remove her from the machines assistance. Rebecca showed Camille a picture Myka had sent to Gracie, saying she was sorry she was hurt and that she loved her.  It was a nice picture. After a few minutes we said goodbye to Gracie and returned to the waiting area.  Rebecca stayed with Jeremy.

When we returned Camille, Kristen Larson & I went into prepare mode.  Camille and Kristen had been talking about what the Becker’s would need immediately upon arriving home and they had been trying to think of a sign or something to place on their door so that they would not be bothered by well intentioned people at a time they needed peace.  I found the saying “Family Time is Sacred Time” and thought I could have my mother in law prepare it while we were there so it would be ready when they arrived home.  I went outside to call her to explain what was going on so that she could work on it and have it ready in a few hours if needed.  She was so sad as well and happy to help any way she could. I thanked her and returned to the waiting area.

When I came back into the PICU waiting room I noticed Mykel had left at some point but two new people had arrived.  I knew they must be Rebecca’s parents.  Rebecca had explained that her mother worked and the hospital and had been checking in on them from time to time.  Her mother was wearing her name badge and when Camille introduced me she shook my hand and said “Welcome to hell.” She wasn’t trying to be mean or sound rude by any means.  She explained how hard it was working there and seeing these situations time and time again and to now be in one was truly hell.  I welcomed her bluntness, in way it reminded me of Rebecca.  I remember thinking “so this is where she gets it from”.  The all “business” attitude was inherited.

We sat and waited, it was all there was to do.  Camille and I spoke to Rebecca’s parents. Camille told how Gracie loved getting picked up by her grandpa and how it was sweet to watch them walk away hand in hand, such a little girl with such a big man.  How she perked up when he came because it usually meant french fries were in her near future.  They spoke about the good times and happy memories; bike riding, chubby legs and dancing.  We tried to talk about all the good things that little girl had brought her family and the people around her.

Eventually Rebecca came back out and explained that the time for the removal of the machines was drawing near.  She was starting to wonder if she and Jeremy were making the right decision.  Even though she had received many blessings and felt at peace with the decision as time grew near doubt began to creep in.  Comments from others and stories that well intended people shared began to chip away and her resolve.  Rebecca wanted to counsel with her mother.  That all “business” demeanor she shared with her mother was evident as they discussed what was best for Gracie and what Gracie would have wanted and needed in order to be happy here on earth.  They spoke about family who made a very different decision for their child and how Gracie would not want that, how Gracie would need her independence and her freedom….. and her bike.  After the comfort Rebecca felt from the frank discussion with her mother she knew what she was doing was right for Gracie even though the pain of it was tearing her apart, she knew what her child needed.  Rebecca’s mother then explained the process to us, what would happen after Gracie passed.  She told us that the hospital would allow Rebecca and Jeremy to sit with Gracie until they were ready to say goodbye and how Jeremy would be allowed to wrap his baby in his arms and carry her to a waiting security guard who would watch over Gracie until the funeral home came to take her.  Rebecca’s mother explained that this was not because they were worried something or someone would try to harm Gracie but as I sign of respect to the child and her family.  She also explained that the corridor that they would walk down could be lined with those she chose to be there to support them as they carried their child.  Rebecca seemed comforted by this and after her resolve was met she told us it was time and that she was going to sit with Jeremy and Gracie.  She told us that when the time came she would text us to go back to the corridor to wait for them to carry Gracie’s body down the hallway to the awaiting guard.  She asked that we get one last picture for her, so that she could remember. We agreed to do this for her.

Rebecca left and Camille and I returned to the waiting area with her parents to wait.  No one spoke.  There was nothing left to do but wait and pray.  I’m not sure how much time past but it wasn’t long before Camille’s phone pinged and she looked up and said it’s time, she’s gone.  We got up and hurried to the entrance of the PICU and to our shock there were two hallways.  We didn’t know where to go so we all started panic trying to figure out where to go in order to support  Rebecca and Jeremy.  Within seconds we saw them coming down the far hallway, Gracie wrapped gently in her father’s arms and Rebecca holding on to his arm wondering why we were all so far away. We froze, the sight so crushing as the realization hit. It must have only been a split second before I saw Camille run, she ran to catch the picture Rebecca had so desperately wanted.  The rest of us ran after her and I remember Bishop Larson saying behind me “Good job Camille, get to her” and she did.  After a second we could no longer see them so we turned and went back to the waiting area in order to give them their privacy while they said goodbye.  Months later, after talking to Rebecca, I found out that because Rebecca and Jeremy had made the agonizing and selfless decision to donate Gracie’s organs they only had 90 seconds from the time she passed to get her tiny body to the OR. That it was actually an OR nurse who met them at the end of that long corridor and that after her organs were received her tiny body would be watched over until the time came to transport her to the funeral home.  After a few minutes Rebecca and Jeremy walked in and we all stood up not sure what to do or what they would need. Rebecca said she just needed to sit for a while until she could gather herself together. So we sat while Jeremy held her and we waited until they were ready to leave. 

I remember thinking that there had to be some process something that had to be done before we left but there wasn’t.  When the time came we gathered their personal items and walked out of the hospital. There seemed to be a rush to leave, like it would make it better to get out as quick as we could and get them home but it doesn’t make it better, it just doesn’t.  As we were walking out, we had our arms full of personal items, and a couple coming into the hospital said with joy “how great someone is going home today” my heart immediately sank as I prayed that Rebecca did not hear those words.  I know that this couple must be at Primary Children’s for a reason and that they probably awaited the day they could “go home” with their child and I hope that they made it back to their home here on earth and not the heavenly home Gracie had just returned to but it didn’t make those words any less crushing at the time.  With tears in our eyes we walked through the doors when I heard a woman scream “Rebecca, oh Rebecca” and run into Rebecca’s arms.  I don’t know who this woman was but Rebecca folded into her arms and sobbed.  She must have been someone Rebecca loved.  Jeremy went and got the car and pulled it to the sidewalk. We moved car seats around and secured Vi in her seat. We loaded up the car and they were off, headed home without their Gracie.