April 5, 2013 How Do I Tell My Kids?

Olivia and Izsak had gone to the neighbors until Jeremy's parents could get there to pick them up.  Originally I had thought George and Mary would drive Jeremy and I to the hospital but they were in Roy when I had called and the sheriff offered to take us instead.  I had thought it would be best for George and Mary to take them back to our house....they would be more comfortable there. I don't know what I was thinking.  Our house looked like a crime scene.  I don't know if George had them go in and grab clothes or if he just took them as is but they spent that first night at Grandma and Grandpa Becker's.  I don't remember who locked up my house but I remember instructing Camille from the hospital to have someone go in and clean it and remove the rope from the swing set. 

On the morning of April 5, I was talking with Liv on the phone.  I wasn't sure if I wanted them to come to the hospital or not until Liv said, "When is Gracie coming home?"  I realized she, like me, would have no concept of the seriousness of Gracie's condition until she was able to see her.   I asked George to bring the kids down.  After I got off the phone I went to the social worker assigned to us since the night before and while crying asked, "How do I explain this to my kids?"  She stared at me, shocked, struck dumb by my question.  She was 20...something (bless her heart) and I doubt she was married let alone had children and pretty sure this was a first for her.  She looked at her I-Pad as if that held some magical answer.  She recommended we prepare them for what they will see by taking pictures of the room and the equipment before going in.  I realized my question to her was too vague.  What I should've asked was, "How do I explain to my other children that their sister is going to die?" 

George and Mary arrived with the kids and he too didn't realize the seriousness of the situation as he bounded into the waiting room.  Tami was waiting and would take Liv and Izsak home for the weekend after their visit with Gracie.  She related to me the utter shock and pain on George's face as the others in the waiting room revealed to him, through very few words, Gracie's fate.  I was so worried about the kids I had neglected to prepare Grandpa. 

I took Liv and Izsak along with the social worker into a separate room.  I waiting about 2 seconds for the social worker to break out the magic I-pad but the words just started coming out of my mouth.  I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the ability and knowledge I have gained over my life to be able to express to them God's plan for our eternal family. I don't remember all the words I said but I remember the comfort we felt as I walked them in to say hello and what would be their final good-bye to Gracie. 

Liv had drawn Gracie a picture and brought her Jessie Doll, Brittany Bear and her pink blanket Grandma made.  At this point there were different people being brought into Gracie's room. Angie (who worked at the hospital) took the kids down for ice-cream in the cafeteria. At one point Jeremy's sister arrived with her children.  I was bothered that her children were in Gracie's room.  I had been insistent only adults and only on my approval.  Somehow this went amiss.  Tiffany began telling her children, "Gracie is just asleep because of the medication."  This was so upsetting to me and I think either I or Jeremy corrected her.  I just remember being so upset.  Either she didn't have the facts or she was minimizing our horror to make herself or her children feel better.  Either way, I just wanted to scream, "Get the Hell out of here."  This was my first experience with people making it about them. 

Olivia and Izsak decided (and were pretty excited) to spend the night with their cousins.  Tami offered to take them home and it was a comfort knowing they would be with her.  They LOVE spending time with their cousins and I knew it would be a nice distraction for them. They would go home with Aunt Tami and I would give Gracie her final bath.  The next day Tami would take them to see the new movie "The Croods" during which their sister would die.