April 1, 2014...Yesterday was March but Today is April

Journal:  I woke up so sad and anxious.  I've felt so great for the past few days, so strong since I voiced to a friend last Tuesday that I needed her to not have gone and gotten a boob job when she did (just months after Gracie's death).  For weeks that was her focus along with recovery.   I needed her to not go on the vacation following the boobs (which was the reason for the boobs) that wasn't planned or scheduled before Gracie passed away.  She was who I wanted to process with, whose support I felt I needed.  I put her above family in my support because she was at the hospital.  Ultimately, in hindsight, I needed her to not have been the one with me at the hospital.  She is not who should've taken part in such a sacred time....holding sacred memories I would need to process through.  People are allowed to vacation, it's not that.  It's that I felt it was a deliberate attempt to escape such an inconvenience.  I know our conversation was probably hard for her to hear and I hope one day she'll understand.  I understand her inability to attend to a single task for too long but I just thought maybe this was different.  I realize, to her, it wasn't.  I get it but it doesn't make it easier to be around her so it's best I'm not.  But I woke up feeling worse than I've felt in a long time.  Why?...Because yesterday was March and today is April.  That's why.  But I had to get Vi up and to the doctor by 9 so I pushed passed the pain.  Actually, I moved it onto my back and got out of bed.  (I feel as though I'm wearing a weighted down back-pack all damn day).

Vi has been a little cranky but nothing too bad.  She has an ear infection and fluid in the other ear that hasn't cleared for months.  I know it's from bottles in bed like Olivia had but she doesn't take a bink.  I can't let her cry to sleep and she doesn't let me rock her.  It's her routine now.  We are leaving in two days, on a plane and I hope she does ok.

We decided to go out of town for the Angel Anniversary.  I knew it needed to be big and more than just Park City for me to actually go.  I wanted warm and so full of fun for the kids....complete distraction.  We are going to Florida!  I can't wait until we tell them at the airport tomorrow morning. They think we are going to Park City.

You would never know she has an ear infection.  She is such a joy and the reason I get up in the morning.