Last night I had a dream Olivia fell into a partially frozen lake. I waited with Gracie and Vi to see if she would surfaced but she didn't. I jumped in and got her but she wasn't breathing. I performed mouth to mouth and she woke up and so did I. Once again, waking from one nightmare to the reality of my other.
There is always a trigger for my nightmares and panic attacks. I keep thinking if I can analyze it, I can predict it moving forward and prevent it. I attribute the trigger for this nightmare to Izsak going to scouts last Wednesday night. They did CPR training and after returning home he asked to sleep in my bed. As we were going to sleep (Jeremy had gone for a run) he said he remembered Gracie's chest rising and falling with each of Jeremy's breaths....the same as the CPR dummy did at scouts. He said, "The paramedics came and Dad held Vi and walked around the house. He wouldn't hold still." He said that Jeremy would stop and kneel down to pray. Izsak said they took turns praying and at one point one of the paramedics knelt and prayed with them in the hallway of our house "because Dad was crying too hard".
I was so touched by this but so upset at the same time that God could watch and listen to this pleading father and not change the course of what was happening. I understand God has a plan I just don't understand the constant and continued pain to follow that plan.
Today I went to church with the intent to just take the sacrament and leave. I didn't even make it that far. A little girl had just been baptized and stood at the start of the meeting in her white dress. I felt the pain in my gut and all I endured emotionally yesterday and last night. Everything started to flood over me. Pandora's box had opened and I could not contain it. I gathered Vi and left. I've slept all afternoon and now wonder, "When will this end?"
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