I was sitting at my desk in my classroom and saw a had received an email from a woman in my neighborhood. The same woman tagged me in the song "A Different Kind of Christmas" to which I commented back "Should've been called a shitty-ass Christmas" (and I wonder why people are so uncomfortable around me). I opened the email which was titled "I thought you might like to have this" and the blood drained from my head, down my spine and my arms went numb. It was a video of Life Flight taking off from in front of our house on April 4, 2013. The man behind the camera seemed so entertained. Why on Earth was this being emailed among neighbors? It's a good thing I'm on meds now. After feeling such anguish for so long, I'm on Lexapro. I'm sure the seemingly well intended Bitch who sent me the video doesn't realize that Lexapro saved her inconsiderate ass. I'm pretty numb, robotic most of the time. I don't like being so emotionless but Jeremy and I agree it's better than the overwhelming emotions I was feeling before.
It's a little confusing and it bothers me that I wasn't feeling any emotions yesterday. I couldn't feel the spirit even if I wanted to and I didn't feel sad when I thought of my situation. That changed last night when I was at Mom's for family gathering. I realized Eli is now older than Gracie. Mom took him shopping for his birthday when he was 3 years, 10 months old. He turned 4 in November. I cried, I felt so sad but I contained most of the emotion and allowed just a few tears to escape. I allowed myself to feel human for a minute while in the presence of others.
It never ends, even now, meds dull the hurt a little but it's still very present and continues to distract me throughout my day. I'm ready for it to end. If I don't feel the pain, I really just feel nothing and I'm not sure what's worse.
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