The last few weeks have been so hard. It feels like I haven't made any progress at all and like Gracie just died last week yet it's been two years. I've endured this heartache and pain for 2 years.
We surprised the kids with a trip to Disneyland. I find myself still hoping that I'll see Gracie somehow at these places and events she was once present and so happy. It obviously wasn't the case so instead of being happy at the place I had experienced as "the happiest place on Earth" was sad and empty. I felt so guilty not being able to fully enjoy it like I once had. Although it was great to be together as a family in a place that held so many memories, it was painful and left me emotionally drained to the point of nightmares and panic. Since returning home, one thing I will always cherish is the Mickey Mouse hoodie Izsak bought me. I didn't want to indulge in such an expensive "want" and he bought it with the help of Jeremy and gave it to me over ice-cream. What a sweetheart. Little signs of Gracie were everywhere...butterflies overhead at the parade, Jessie from Toy Story being at the right place and the right time for a photo op. But signs aren't enough. I want my Gracie.
Yesterday was the anniversary of Gracie's Funeral and I felt it as soon as I woke up. I had to drag myself out of bed knowing we had Izsak's first Lacrosse game and Olivia's soccer. Too busy of a day to be able to pull the covers up over my head and tune out the world. I had just woke from a nightmare where Jeremy had taken Vi to the doctor and was told she would soon die of an incurable disease. I wanted to go back to sleep and dream of something else but then I would simply just wake to a different nightmare....my reality.
Already anxious, we traveled to Woods Cross for Lacrosse. We arrived and were into the match when I saw George and Mary approach. I waved and was confused when they walked past us to meet up with another man and his kids. It was Jeremy's brother. His kids had just been playing soccer at the same field or a nearby field. The little cousins were in their little soccer uniforms and had just played their first games. One a year older than Gracie and one a year younger, they were proud but shy when talking about their games just as I would've imagined Gracie to be. Seeing the little cousins in uniform knowing Gracie would've been as well was too much to take. Why were they there? Why didn't I know they were coming? Would it have made a difference? It looked as though their was another baby on the way and why was this a surprise for me? I felt ambushed. Are they having a 4th child and going to be able to raise all 4 of their kids but I can't? I just did my best to watch Izsak (since none of them were) and ignore all the causes to the pain in my stomach and the tears stinging my eyes.
As we drove to Logan for Liv's game the anxiety overpowered me and I began to cry. I started to feel my body shake and wanted to curl up in a blanket and lay on the floor of the car (the same feeling I had the first day back to school after Gracie's death) but I had to coach Live's game. I was the only coach today with only 12 girls able to play. I wish someone would give me permission to give up...stop everything, because I don't feel I can give the permission to myself.
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