May 4, 2014 Memorial Tribute

May 4, 2014 FB Post:  Dance competitions and sporting events bring a certain unity among the crowd. It wasn't a dance competition or a sporting event today, it was a Memorial Tribute for Primary Children's Hospital to honor Gracie along with 28 other angels who passed away there last year. Following the tribute they released doves signifying a unity in our journey Home. What unified us today is where our children took their last breaths. Jeremy suggested we later visit the donor memorial wall downtown Salt Lake at Library Square. I wondered if this was something else that unified us with others in the crowd. Did their husbands walk their child's lifeless body down the corridors of the hospital and into the arms of a transplant team? Do people even realize that's what happens? I didn't, and still can't think of it without a pain wanting to tear my heart into pieces. How I wish these were pictures of a dance performance or sporting event but none the less, I'm proud Gracie was honored today.

Journal Entry:  Today they did a memorial tribute for the children who passed away at Primary Children's Medical Center this past year.  I was surprised only 29 including Gracie were on the program.  It was a short tribute with a quick video of each Angel.  When they said Gracie's name and showed her picture, Jeremy and I just sobbed.  It's horrible it's been a year and we have to honor our daughter this way.  Jeremy wanted to visit the donor memorial wall after.  I am still struggling the the donor stuff.  It was a factor in our decision to withdraw support.  It wouldn't have changed Gracie's outcome but it was a factor I wish hadn't been there.  I wonder about the recipients and fear they aren't worthy of Gracie's organs.  I'm still upset her kidneys went to an adult and so many organs went to research.  Others have a part of her I don't have.  That bothers me.  I'm feeling a little angry, a little tired, and very sad tonight.

Our bishopric changed.  We weren't there because of the memorial service.  I don't like that things change.  I fear that change will cause Gracie's memory to fade.  There wasn't great support from the former Bishop in regard to our grief this past year so nothing will change in that regard but I would really like for someone to come to my door, as how I am, and hold out a tissue in anticipation of the floodgates waiting to bust open.  But that doesn't happen so I'm left to barricade the dam, knowing if they wanted to see or know how completely miserable I still am they would ask...but they don't.  I have had a couple good days and I even think I didn't cry the other day...at least I don't remember crying which in itself is an improvement.  It really doesn't get easier, doesn't go away.  I've just learned to live with the pain because I've realized it's never going away.  Nobody can fix it.  I pray I don't live long.