Last week was pretty horrible in terms of grief and pain. It just hit really hard that this is NEVER ENDING!!....until my life does. It's exhausting and I don't want to do it another year. I slept a lot last week because I just didn't want to feel it anymore. It's so painful and I'm just so sad and then Jeremy is so sad and feeling the same. This is just HEll...but I continue to battle through.
I was especially sad last Thursday. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I was glad to leave work right at 2:#5 to pick up Vi by 3:00 so her sitter could get to an appointment. As I was leaving the sitters I saw a couple cars pass and realized it was the Mom's from Appleseed picking up their kids. I felt the blood drain from my heart and realized I would be picking up Gracie...I should be picking up Gracie. I drove by and some of the moms waved what appeared to be uncomfortable waves but luckily for me I didn't endure seeing the kids run to their moms...they hadn't come out yet. Still, it was enough. I couldn't stop the tars, didn't want to even try. I handed Vi off to Jeremy with no words....my tears explained enough...and went to bed. That's only the 2nd time I remember doing that.
Friday felt no better but I pushed through the day. By Friday night I wanted to talk with someone who would tell me this will get easier and what I could do to make this better. I finally got a hold of Aunt Tammy, another Angel Mom and most beloved aunt. It was so great to talk with her. It validated how I felt and I've come to realize that is the greatest support. There is nothing worse than feeling as miserable as I do and sensing the "eye rolls" from others. Tammy recognized her situation was different because little Tami was so sick she found herself (in the end) praying for her daughter to die. I see it as just as tragic and always saw her as so strong. She still struggles to this day but has such a testimony and love for everyone. I didn't need to know how depressed or hurt she has been over the years. I wouldn't have understood it anyway but I do now and have an even greater admiration of her strength ability to carry on.
Sunday felt a little better but Jeremy worked and I had to teach. I was a bit overwhelmed with anxiety until after my lesson. I went to Mom's which adds to my paranoia. I make people uncomfortable. I misinterpret everything that's said and cry which I feel like an ass for. Needless to say, I was ready for the day...week....life...to be over.
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