May 26, 2014 Gracie's Memorial Run

May 26, 2014 FB Post:  "Next time I will jog with you," Gracie told me as she rode along side me on her bike to preschool April 4, 2013. We didn't know there wouldn't be a next time. Today, with her shoes around my waist, over 40 members on "team Gracie" she jogged with me....with us (but mostly me:))

May 26, 2014 Journal Entry:  Today we participated in a Memorial Day race for Gracie.  Over 40 family members and friends came out to run for Team Gracie or cheer at the finish.  I made shirts for everyone with Gracie's picture on the front and "Team Gracie To Infinity and Beyond" on the back.  It was great to see everyone there and for them to be forced to acknowledge our sorrow if for only a couple hours in the past several months.....I'm a little bitter and pissed off at their forced false sense of support. Nevertheless, Olivia and Izsak both got medals for their age group and for that I was extremely proud and happy.  Olivia has wanted a medal and honestly she should be given one for strength and perseverance alone. We pretty much swept the medals with "Team Gracie" representing a large population of the race.  I want to do it every year if for no other reason than to have one day, one event where my grief is accepted, anticipated, acknowledged and crying is a norm---socially appropriate.  It was great to have support and so many but then I think, "Where they hell have they all been for 6 months?"  I feel great today but even a little of this support for the past year would've been nice.  Actually, they showed up but I didn't really talk with anyone outside of who I do normally on a regular basis.  I'm sure it made them feel good though, like they've helped bear my burden in some way today. It was actually harder for me to focus on grief or mourning with such fanfare...which I guess is good.  They saw me strong today and that should carry them another few months--away from guilt for not calling for months or visiting more than a couple times the past year even though we asked for visits, content to return home with their entire families and resume their normal lives.  I wish I could say the same.  But I'll enjoy it for today; my heart too distracted to hurt like it did yesterday and the day before and the week before and the months before.  What a difference a day makes.  What a difference the focus of an event makes.