May 14, 2014 A Big "F"-You

When you get an "F" on a paper, it hurts.  To work so hard just to be told you fail.  It causes you to doubt your abilities.  When you get a poor evaluation at work, demoted, or just not receiving the same validation you once did that really gave you the confidence to perform the given task, that hurts.  To replace the hurt, negative emotions may take over or possibly negative behaviors in an effort to rid yourself of what's causing you to feel you failed.  Nothing says you failed like having your child die in your arms from a completely preventable event.  It's a big giant "F"and might I add an "F-YOU"...at least that's what it feels like.  I can't redo, can't retake, can't try again.  It's done.  You failed the ultimate task.  How can I possibly think I'm good at anything else?  That's the problem, I don't.  I don't have the confidence I once had, I don't have the motivation or focus as well but it's stemming from the confidence.  When you have kids and they become your world, your everything, the one and only thing I center my life around...our lives around and I failed.  Confidence is shattered.  I FAILED.  I find myself angry and completely avoiding people I feel have wronged me, or have judged me or critiqued me...even if only slightly.  The emotion is so strong...I FAILED.  I thought parenting was what I was good at. Any idiot can keep their child alive.  I thought I was a good parent.  I was wrong.  I don't want to place myself in a situation personally or professionally to have my abilities judged and critiqued.  I can't fail again.  I can't get another F.