May 11, 2014 Mother's Day...Prayers, Faith, bullshit

It's mother's day today.  I'm trying so hard to feel the joy of motherhood in my life and not let the sorrow consume me.  The one great thing giving me comfort are my children and Jeremy of course.  The other is that Teacher Misty brought over chocolate covered strawberries they made in class.  She had Anniston and Elizabeth (Gracie's 2 preschool friends) color a card.  Misty said she just kept feeling a "nudge".  It really feels to me like they were from Gracie and the card was colored just as she would've done it.  I'm so grateful for Misty. 

I recently read a book called "Heaven is for Real."  It's about a little boy who had his appendix rupture when he was nearly 4.  He experienced going to Heaven and talking about it.  Things he saw and experienced fall in line with what we know and have known in our faith.  One thing that bothers me is the idea that the faith and prayers of their congregation brought him back...but not Gracie.  I know it's because it was Gracie's plan, at least that's what I keep telling myself...but it challenges what faith is to a lot of people.  Faith doesn't alter God's plan.  Faith helps you follow God's plan.  It bothers me that their faith changed the course of the plan but mine didn't.  It's bullshit.  I've felt myself becoming more hurt and just tired of working through this day after day.  Jeremy's tired, I'm tired people are tired of us being tired.  It's hard and some moments are completely unbearable so I take a Xanax and fall asleep.  If I'm at school I push through the day which leaves me shaking with anxiety by the end of the day and nothing left to give my family.  I'm able to maintain and fear appearing weak, pathetic or not capable on days that aren't so bad but when they are I could care less what other's perceptions are.  I feel good when I'm home.  I still don't enjoy social gatherings and don't like groups who aren't aware or sensitive to our situation.  It's getting easier, I just don't like it.  Over all, I feel worse than I appear.  I get up, go to work, clean my house, take care of kids.  It feels different (hard and impossible at times) to me but looks the same to everyone else.