May 25, 2014 How Dare You Expect Normal!!

I received a text last Wednesday asking if I could offer the opening prayer in sacrament meeting this  Sunday.  My first instinct was, "No, it's already proving to be a hard week." But then I thought, "Oh my gosh, it's just a prayer.  Poor guy has probably been rejected by a dozen others going out of town."  My reply back was, "I'd be happy to." Giving a prayer is a very normal thing and over the course of my life I've done more times than I can count and only once do I remember being somewhat emotional because the lesson had been about meaningful prayer and picturing who it is you are praying to.  Now when I pray, not only do I picture who it is I'm praying to but who is standing near Him.  So I proceed today with the opening prayer in sacrament meeting.  As I give the beginning salutation I'm immediately struck by the pain and hurt...knowing how desperate I am for communication but how one sided our conversations feel.  How He is the one to whom I pray yet He is the source of my broken heart.  I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth because I couldn't think past the screaming in my head as they tears flowed from my eyes...."How dare they ask me to give a prayer...those insensitive sons of bitches!!  It's memorial weekend for hell sake, Gracie's upcoming birthday!!  How dare they make me feel I am capable or should be capable of giving a prayer!  It's such a normal thing--How dare they assume I'm normal!!"  I went to the bathroom and cried...feeling so humiliated, "I'm never coming back to church."  Within an hour, I was teaching my lesson and humiliation was set aside.  Chalk it up once more to the crazy grieving mother.