April 8-9, 2013 -The Days Before the Viewing

I had spent the past few days planning and preparing for the funeral.  I was a task master and wouldn't be distracted from trying to make it the best tribute for my girl.  I wanted it to be a celebration of Gracie's life and I knew I didn't want to look back on the day with regret, thoughts of sadness and despair. In the days following Gracie's death, people were trying to send me their condolences; dropping off treats to the doorstep (because Kari had put out a sign, "Family time is a sacred time" so people wouldn't disturb me).  I'm sure they thought it was because I was inconsolable but that wasn't the case at that time.  I welcomed anyone willing to aid in funeral arrangements.  Carol had sent me a text while at Costco, "I'm at Costco.  Do you need anything?"  To which I responded, "Yes, I need diapers."  A few minutes later I responded again, "Oh, and I saw white dresses when I was there with Gracie last week.  I need one for Gracie."  Carol sent me pictures of several and brought a couple home along with a big pack of diapers for Vi.  I called Misty (Gracie's Preschool teacher) and asked for any art projects she might have of Gracie's.  I wanted to have everything I could of Gracie's and wanted to display everything.  She not only brought over framed art projects but a scrapbook of preschool pictures of Gracie throughout the year. It was an absolute treasure and contained the last picture of Gracie taken at preschool the morning before her accident. 

Colleen and Kelli came over and sat at my kitchen table while Carol, Lori and I worked on the tribute video.  Maddie (Carol's daughter) brought me a Reeses shake from Hoagies gas station.  I realized I didn't have a dress for Vi (4 weeks old) and I needed a slip and nylons for me to go with the outfit Natalie bought and dropped at the doorstep for the viewing.  I never in my life would have ever asked for help nor accepted it but I was focused and had a strength given to me to accept any assistance offered. Colleen and Kelli went to get the last minute clothing items I needed.  Nicole brought over framed pictures of the kids that I used to display and Camille, Melissa, Kristen, and several others carried out my wishes for the after funeral luncheon. I wanted lots of desserts because I remembered how comforting and wonderful the big chocolate bunt cake was among all the other desserts at Grandpa Amundsen's funeral. I wanted balloons tied to Bug-Juice (two of Gracie's favorite things) on all the tables for the kids to take home.  I wanted framed pictures of Gracie that each of mine and Jeremy's siblings could take home.  I felt in my heart Gracie was still here and I wanted everyone else to feel that too.  If I could keep that feeling, if everyone could have that feeling with a picture, balloons, Bug-Juice, a tribute video showing how much we love her and how much we did as a family....how much she is part of us, then she wouldn't ever really leave. 

I didn't sleep at all for the nights following Gracie's death but I wasn't tired.  Not only was I high on funeral planning, I was also up with Vi but mostly I was so concerned about Jeremy and how he would manage.  I was concerned about Olivia and Izsak.  They were going to speak at the funeral and Jeremy decided he would speak along side me.  I kept thinking of Aunt Tammy at little Tamara's funeral.  She spoke and she was strong and inspiring as she told stories of little Tammy and helped us all know her better.  I wanted to emanate her strength and poise but more than anything, I wanted to make it the perfect day for Gracie.  I wanted to make Gracie proud, happy, excited; anything that would make her want to come back.  I kept saying, "We were fabulous before this and we will not be less than fabulous because of this" but what I was thinking was.... "We just need to get through this and Gracie will come back."